05.21.2011 Judgment Day: My F&#k It List


Christians, rejoice, for there is an old dude in town and his name is God. Finally, the Rapture you’ve earned by being boring and pious will be realized. Don’t miss it — Saturday, May 21, 2011, 6 pm. Place: Everywhere. Instant Grace abounds.

Judgment Day really snuck up on me. Like most Gen-X and Yers, I’ve mildly procrastinated on finishing my Bucket List, which will probably remain undone since brimstone might knock me in the head sometime between this Saturday and December 22, 2012. (Or never.) Our darker desires, however, can probably be indulged by 6 pm Saturday, when all hell breaketh looseth.

Some are partaking in Rapture-themed parties, others are attending mass or going about their lives as usual. I, for one, am not one to miss a holiday celebration. So, in preparation for Judgment Day, I give you my F&#k It List. By 6 pm on Saturday, I will:

  1. Not exercise.
  2. Make arrangements for my cats.
  3. Burn my diaries and delete certain photos so alien civilizations don’t get the wrong idea.
  4. Call a few members of my family “just to say hi.”
  5. Tell people who suck just how much they suck, and that I will see them in Hell. Literally.
  6. Tell people who don’t suck that they’re all right with me, not that it matters.
  7. Smoke cigarettes while finally beating Super Mario Galaxy (must start multi-tasking).
  8. Delete all of episodes of American Pickers and Storage Wars off of my DVR (sorry, husband).
  9. Visit the sauna and DMV, re-watch Sitch’s Donald Trump roast and get a refresher on the foreign lyrics of “It’s a Small World After All” to prepare for Eternal Hell.
  10. Go shopping — a pretty corpse I must make.
  11. Carry out secret acts of anarchy at parties while drunk on tequila and champagne.

This is the most unwholesome list I can come up with? Either I’ve already done the truly bad/fun stuff or I need to be more creative in the face of doom. If I survive this Saturday, I guess I can always do it Sunday. Or whenever.

What will you be doing?